Removing the Obstacles

This is a powerful description of how we have much to unlearn and chip away to get to our inherent goodness and authentic selves:

With great difficulty, advancing by millimeters each year, I carve a road out of the rock. For millenniums my teeth have wasted and my nails broken to get there, to the other side, to the light and the open air. And now that my hands bleed and my teeth tremble, unsure, in a cavity cracked by thirst and dust, I pause and contemplate my work: I have spent the second part of my life breaking the stones, drilling the walls, smashing the doors, removing the obstacles I placed between the light and myself in the first part of my life.

~Octavio Paz, from Eagle or Sun?

Flowers Open Slowly

Flowers Open Slowly
from The Quiet Mind: Sayings of White Eagle

Train yourselves to catch a vision of the Master over the heads of the throng, to hear his or her voice in your heart, guiding you gently to do those things which you have to do with courage and with peace. Then, my child, you will not be without joy or hope. If things do not happen as you want them to happen, know that a better way is being found. Trust, and never forget that the true way is the way of love. Flowers do not force their way with great strife. Flowers open to perfection slowly in the Sun.

Shift into Spring with Small Changes

Being on the cusp of spring can feel odd. Some days it feels like winter is over, but then the cold snaps back the next morning. One season is ending but the next one hasn't fully begun.

Is this end of winter theme making itself known in your life?

Any kind of change can bring about anxiety that's hard to pinpoint, or a tiredness that lingers. If you're caught in between your own personal winter and spring, experiment with doing something differently:
~Add an evening walk after dinner, even it's only for 10 minutes, to soak in daylight savings time.
~Catch up with a friend in person over tea to share the anxiety or tiredness, and see if you can help each other come up with solutions.
~Consider committing to something that feeds your spirit, such as a yoga class, art class or journal writing group.

Taking a risk and adding something new, even if it seems small, can give anxious feelings a positive focus and wake you up from the winter blues. There is never one big answer, just small steps that add up to the answer that's right for you.

Creative Expression Gets to the Point

Last week I ate lunch by myself at a restaurant, and while I was waiting, I decided to write. I didn't have my journal with me--but I did have a paper napkin. I love the spontaneity of opening my napkin and writing down the wild words that rush by. It had been a long time since I had written and it felt good.

A few days later, I took the napkin out of my purse and copied the phrases into my journal, not knowing what they meant, but knowing that eventually they would make some kind of sense. That's part of the creative discovery.

You have a creative force to express, even if you've convinced yourself that you're not creative, and even if you've been disconnected from it since childhood. The healing aspects of creating poetry, art, music, drama or dance are well established and date back to ancient times. These are positive ways to channel your emotional energy.

When you create, you become more self-aware. Creative arts therapies facilitate change and promote the integration of physical, emotional, cognitive and social functioning, according to the National Coalition of Creative Arts Therapies Association.

Writing in a journal can help you unburden yourself and make sense of what you're experiencing. I dare you to spend 10 minutes writing down whatever comes to mind, even if it doesn't make sense.

Although our culture prides itself on the using the mind and trains us to ignore our body's cues, dancing is a great way to express yourself in your own living room. I dare you to dance.

Even if someone said you couldn't draw, break out the paints and put some colors on paper. I dare you to paint.

Figure out what appeals to you and do it. Eventually, whatever you create will speak to you and if you're willing, you'll become more aware of what you're feeling and what you need.

Take a chance and do something creative without judging it. Your mind and body will be grateful.

When Anxiety Goes through the Roof

In light of what we're experiencing with the economy collectively and personally, it's no surprise that people are feeling anxious. Some of you may be in panic mode. I've heard from several people this week who have been laid off or are watching dear friends and colleagues get laid off. Even if you still have a job, maybe you're terrified of what might be coming.

How do you get through this?

Begin by breathing. Wherever you are, stop. Breathe. Take a deep inhale and then deeply exhale. Repeat.

If you are in panic mode, open your mouth widely. Keep it open. Breathe in and out through the mouth. This will signal your nervous system to calm down.

Notice where you're feeling the fear in your body. For example, if you feel anxious in your chest, gently rub your chest. Right now. Keep breathing as you do this.

Name your fear. "I'm scared because I lost my job/might lose my job and won't have any money. I'm scared about what will happen to me."

Tell yourself, "It's okay to be scared." Repeat as many times as you need to.
Tell yourself, "I'm safe right now." Repeat as many times as you need to.

Your body has lived through a similar fear before. Chances are that your body is remembering this kind of fear from the past and you are afraid of failing or of being hurt again.

Psychologist and Author Reid Wilson, Ph.D., who specializes in treating anxiety disorders, explains it like this:

"Your body is responding perfectly to an exaggerated message from the mind. It is not the body that needs fixing, it is our thoughts, our images of our experiences that we must correct to gain control of panic."

Make sure there isn't a medical problem triggering your panic. Keep breathing. Seek out support. Lower your expectations for right now and let go of judging yourself. Be gentle.

You Deserve Your Love

It's a Thursday evening and I decided on a slow close to the day. I'm sitting next to a warm fire, drinking herbal tea so I can ease myself into the holiday season. My body demanded this kind of night, and although my mind resisted mightily, here I am.

~I did some journal writing, including a list of what I am grateful for today. Once I started to write my gratitude list, my heart opened more than I expected. See this article at Yoga Journal for some inspiration.

~I meditated, breathing loudly and deeply, for 15 minutes to calm myself and become more mindful. My full breaths soothed my jangled nervous system.

~I'm petting my devoted dog as much as I can in between typing these words.

Self-care takes practice if you're not used to doing it. You can find hundreds of reasons as to why you can't do loving things for yourself. One way to get started is to treat yourself as you would treat a beloved friend. In Sharon Salzberg's book Lovingkindess: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness, she tells us this:

According to the Buddha, "You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection."

May you ease into this holiday season by caring for yourself and remembering that yes, you do deserve your love and affection.

Rigorous Honesty in Love Relationships--Part 2

When nationally-known counselor and author John Bradshaw spoke in Washington, DC on October 17th, he shared what is called The Awareness Wheel. The Awareness Wheel is a simple yet powerful way to connect to your feelings and communicate them clearly in an intimate relationship. The Awareness Wheel was created by Sherod Miller, Ph.D.

As John says, "One moment of true awareness can change the most stuck relationships."

Here are The Awareness Wheel steps (without a wheel around it!) and below the steps is an example of how it works.

Sensory Data: I saw or I heard........
Interpretation: My fantasy about that is.......
Emotion: I feel mad, sad, glad, scared, etc.......
Volition: I want, I need.........

Example:
"I saw you talking to the salesperson about TVs.
My fantasy about that is that you're going to buy an expensive TV without talking to me first.
I feel scared because I'm really worried about our finances.
I need you to talk to me about your plans and negotiate this with me."

Rigorous honesty means being honest with yourself about what you want, what you like, and how you feel. According to John, it also involves "knowing your psychic wounds, hopefully doing something about them, and being aware of how they can contaminate your relationships."

I've been using The Awareness Wheel steps and they really do work. The steps help me get clear with myself about what I'm feeling, and help me get the words out. Give it a chance, and feel free to let me know how it goes for you.

What You Say and What You Mean

More from the recent John Bradshaw workshop......this is his quote is on communication:
The meaning of your communication is the response you're getting, no matter what you intend.
Our responsibility for what we communicate runs deep--deeper than we may have thought.

Rigorous Honesty in Love Relationships

Today I went to see John Bradshaw, a famous counselor and author of several books about shame, recovery and family issues. John became known nationally in the 1980s when his book Homecoming: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child hit the bestseller list. He has appeared on numerous talk shows over the years and created PBS specials about healing the wounded self. Currently John serves as a senior fellow at The Meadows, a groundbreaking facility that specializes in the treatment of addictions, trauma and mood disorders such as depression and anxiety.

John's talk was called Speaking the Truth in Love: A Workshop on Rigorous Honesty. I was attracted to the workshop because I believe that recognizing and owning your emotions, and being able to communicate them honestly to others is crucial. We really can have happy, intimate relationships if we learn to do these things.

Through powerful experiential exercises and examples, John emphasized the need to work on yourself to heal your relationship. These were his major points:

~You can love yourself unconditionally only when you have owned your shadow self.
The shadow self is that part of you that you don't like, are ashamed of, and can't stand in other people. Think about the people you can't stand, whether they are in your present or past, or even famous. What are the qualities about them that set you off? Recognize that you have the same capacity for these qualities. This is your shadow self.

~The more you keep your shadow self underground, the more you will act it out.
The acting out may come in the form of unhealthy coping mechanisms, such as excessive drinking, eating, drug use, gambling, sex, work, shopping, fears, and other ways. Begin getting to know your shadow self and be curious about it.

~The most basic wounds we all suffer from, which we can work to heal, are abandonment or engulfment.
Are you most afraid of being left alone, being smothered, or both? Discover your own story and pay attention to what you feel. See how one of these fears can be at the root of many difficulties.

Soon I'll share The Awareness Wheel that John offered--it gives structure to identifying your emotions and sharing them with your partner.

Meet Your Feelings

I don't know what I feel.

I've heard clients say this before, and I've felt this way myself. I didn't know if I was just confused or if it was too hard to figure out what I was feeling. It takes time and patience to figure out what I feel. It actually takes practice!

We have to allow our emotional experience to come to the surface. Author and Yoga Teacher Bija Bennett has a simple Allowing Feelings exercise in her book Emotional Yoga and on her website that anyone can use. You don't need to practice yoga or meditation to benefit from this exercise.

To get started, Bija suggests this:
"Begin by giving yourself your full attention. Giving yourself your attention is the basis of healing, and to heal something inside yourself is the real purpose of Emotional Yoga."

The reason we have to practice allowing and experiencing our feelings is because most of us don't know how to cope with our feelings, and didn't learn how to in our families. Buddhist teacher and writer Pema Chodron, in a recent interview with Oprah Winfrey, explains it this way: "I think.....we have so little tolerance for uncomfortable feelings. I'm not even talking about unpleasant outer circumstances but for that feeling in your stomach that—or heart—that 'I don't want this to be happening'."

You may be wondering what you get out of identifying and feeling your feelings, especially if you've become adept at pushing them underground. I wondered the same thing myself.

Emotions actually happen physically, in the body, before our brain forms a thought. We can't think our way out of our emotions, although we can learn to respond to them. This is why stuffing our emotions has serious consequences. When we don't own our emotional truth, we can develop a host of chronic health issues and problematic behaviors in our relationships.

Cutting yourself off from your emotions means that you're cutting yourself off from valuable information you need to make life-altering as well as day-t0-day decisions. Your unacknowledged emotions stay trapped in your body with nowhere to go and they fester like an untreated wound.

The way to begin owning your emotional truth is to figure out what you're feeling and be honest with yourself. For example, I'm angry that I didn't get the job I applied for, or I'm afraid that my partner will leave me if I don't change. This paves the way for being able to speak your emotional truth to others and create real intimacy. Your body will begin to feel better, too.

Is Grieving Mindfully Possible?

When a loved one dies, your life is changed forever. You are changed forever. This is the kind of change that most of us don’t welcome, and you may not be able to imagine how this change will ever result in positive growth.

The journey of grief is one that all of us have to take, and we don’t get to choose when we will lose someone we love. For many of us, just staying sane and functioning is an enormous challenge. Staying mindful while we’re accompanying a loved one who is dying—or while we drag ourselves through months or years of grief—seems impossible.

If you are grieving, the best way to do it mindfully is to allow yourself to do it in the first place. The pain really does become worse if you continually avoid it or push it away.

Unresolved grief manifests as depression, anxiety, anger, and physical health problems, and can last a lifetime. We can't make it go away because it rises like a wave, one way or another. We’re kidding ourselves if we think we don’t have to grieve.

Grieving mindfully is really about letting yourself feel your grief in the moment. Of course there are times when that isn’t possible as you struggle to work or get through daily chores. When you can, though, allow the emotions to reach the surface. Notice what you’re feeling in your body. Find someone to be around who will let you feel your grief no matter what it looks like, without judgment.

Grief is a normal and necessary human response. You can and will heal.